No sex drive

Q: I am 29 years old, married, have three kids (ages 2, 4 and 5 1/2) and have no desire for sex. Do I have a hormone imbalance? What can I do to improve my sex drive?

A: Low sex drive is a common problem among women. It is particularly common in women with young children and women who are post menopausal. I will focus this discussion on women with young children since that is your demographic. In women with young children I think fatigue plays a large role. I've had many women tell me after chasing children around, having children climb all over them and "need" them all day they are exhausted. She climbs into bed at the end of a long day and her husband wants attention and sex and she just feels depleted and feels like one more person "needs" something from her.

Some women have a hard time transitioning from "multitasking mom" to "romantic lover". My theory is that women need to warm up emotionally in order to warm up physically. A woman needs talk, touch, kissing and laughter. Once she is feeling connected emotionally the physical desire follows. Women also need adequate rest. In our hierarchy of needs sleep comes before sex. That may not hold true for men. I recommend women who are busy get adequate help with the household chores, children, etc. If, for example, a woman and her husband can share in the responsibility of meal prep and clean up, and bathing and putting the children to bed more time can be spent relaxing and connecting. I think it's important for couples to have alone time without their children. Activities such as date night can help couples keep a close connection. If schedules are so hectic that sex needs to be scheduled that is acceptable, too. To make it fun and exciting take turns coming up with new things to try. Communication is very important in relationships and especially important with regards to your sexual relationship.

I've had women report withdrawing affection because they feel like a loving gesture such as kissing, hugging, giving a back rub, etc. is mistaken for an invitation for sex. In fairness to our partners those can also be acts of foreplay so communicating what you want and need is important. It is very important for you and your partner to be able to communicate your needs without feeling judged. Compromise may be necessary so after discussing what you both want and need figure out how to meet in the middle. Focus on win-win.

There are times when testing hormone levels may be appropriate. Other factors that may affect sex drive, sexual response (ability to lubricate, climax, etc) and overall sexual health can be things such as medication, overall health of the relationship, history of abuse, general physical and emotional health and so on. If you are having sexual problems it is worth discussing with your healthcare provider. ~Lisa